My life up until I was twelve was pretty boring to say the least. I'm the oldest of three children and a fourth generation farm girl. I grew up in a home with a stay at home mother and my Dad who farmed the family farm. At twelve my world changed dramatically when my mother decided to leave my father. Being the oldest I was given a choice of which parent I wanted to live with. I chose my Dad and for a while it was ok. Until one terrible morning that is. I was headed out to feed my steers and I sat in my Dad's lap to pull on a pair of boots. As I sat down my Dad pulled me back and fondled my breast while the other hand fondled my crotch. I was numb with shock at first but I quickly pulled out of the embrace. I had always been closest to my Dad and my entire world was destroyed by his actions. All trust in men died on this terrible day.

Well I see by my last post that I haven't posted to this blog for a while. I'm going to change what I'm doing somewhat with this blog. I'm going to turn it into an online diary. Those of you that choose to read it may want to start looking for therapists now. My life is messed up and always has been. I am still married by the way I haven't got a divorce yet. Things have changed in some regards. My husband finally got a job and he got a good paying job so I'm no longer supporting him. He makes enough to support us without my having to work which is really nice. I'm only working part time at the moment through a temp agency. I lost my job at the nursing home when i was back stabbed by some fellow employees that I considered friends. Not working at least has given me more time to work on my writing and I am currently editing my second book before it gets published. My marriage at this point is really a roommate situation. We don't sleep together or have sex. Which is fine with me as I'm not attracted to my husband. Still my husband as you can imagine is not happy with the way things are. He is actually very attracted to me which is a real bummer. I don't know how long will be able to go on like this. The only time I can stand to be touched by my husband is when I'm to drunk to care. And since I'm not much of a drinker these episodes are few and far between. I know your asking yourself how could anyone get their self into such a mess. Well to answer that I need to start at the beginning and tell you my life story. Which is what future posts will be devoted too.

Well my marriage has come to an end. I have decided to divorce my husband ending this farce of a marriage. Over the last couple weeks things have grown increasingly bitter between us. And I swore when I left my ex that I would never again expose my kids to fighting. So it is over!

Desari

I got married in August to a long time friend. We had never been on a single date or shared a single kiss. But Matt was my closest friend and had been a part of my live for five years. He loves my two girls and they adore him. I always thought I would meet someone and fall madly in love. But that hasn't happened for me. My ex was an abusive jerk that abused me both verbally and physically. The only good that came out of that relationship was our two girls. Matt stepped into my life as I was trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. I don't know if I could have made it without his friendship. But Although we were great friends I was never attracted to him. Still I thought that a marriage based on practical reasons might be the way to go. I was worn down from the hardships of being a single Mom. So I decided to marry Matt. We shared our first kiss at our Wedding, and I felt nothing. I stood in front of the minister on shaking legs with the sure knowledge that I was making a mistake, but like a fool I got married. Matt and I were married a full month before I could make myself have sex with him and than I had to get drunk first. My husband is a touchy feely guy. And every time he touches me I freeze up inside. We had sex several times since the first time but I've been drunk every time. I thought marriage would make my life easier but it hasn't worked out that way. When we got married Matt had a job but he has since than lost his job and he doesn't seem to want to find another one. So I went from supporting two kids to supporting a husband and two kids. This is a sore issue with me. Frankly I know this marriage is doomed to failure and I have no one but myself to blame, but in my defense I thought I was doing the right thing for my kids.

Well I've been married for twenty-sex days now. For the most part this marriage thing is working out. We've sent wedding announcements to our friends and family. Were planning a wedding cake reception for our families to attend. My mother isn't currently speaking to me because she didn't approve of me marrying Matt. She thinks it was a mistake. And I guess I can't blame her. She knows I'm not in love with Matt. My family was upset that we got married so quickly. When I pictured getting married I always thought I would have a big wedding and that I would marry a man I was madly in love with. We still haven't consummated the marriage. Matt wants too I know. I know he loves and wants me, but I still feel no attraction to him. I'm in between a rock and hard place and there's no escape!